Thoughts of a Dying Virgin.
My father once told me “Son, you are too nice to everyone. The world is going to eat you if you keep being so damn nice. People will only try to take advantage from you.” At that moment, I didn’t think too much in his advice. As always I was mad at him, blaming him for all of my problems, but time seems to melt meaning into wisdom. I still believe the duty of a responsible father is to corrupt their children into decent beings; molding their path with tricks and lies so they are obligated to see their mistakes, but the sun keeps shining even if we misbehave.
All I see are fluorescent lights moving up and down. The pain reappears.
“….I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to die… Please I don’t want to…”,I scream at the top of my lungs suffering from the pain.
My mind is calm but my mouth is still begging. I am not sure where I am. I hear a people running up and down halls drenched in red, blue, and white. The pain is so intense I am barely able to concentrate my thoughts. I might have only a few minutes of consciousness left. It feels like it was two bullets but I don’t know know for sure. Pain is making me think things on a loop and I can’t escape the loop. The asshole locked all doors. But I see people rushing in and out. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t want to know what is going on, but not thinking makes the pain come back; better shut my eyes. Wait? I’m I still at the library? I shouldn’t have printed Ms. Greenberg’s musical, only I have this kind of luck. I should never have come to school today. I’m just happy I was able to finish my grand opus. Maybe my only opus. Thank god I gave it to Ms. Greenberg before came. I only hope she does something with it − maybe the shooting helps me turn into a celebrity.
Pain being happiness is a logic fallacy, but thank god our minds are not logical. This is the eternal paradox that we live in, and some of us live comfortably in this paradox. Who said that?
I loved the world. If I had a short life I am happy what I lived, but my nightmare came true; I’m going to die a virgin. I think there isn’t a name for that phobia, although I remember the fear of virgins is called Parthenophobiam I remember googling it and finding a lot of people searching for the word. Even in death, I don’t think I’m alone with the fear of dying a virgin. Staring at my hands always gave me feelings of awe when controlling my limbs. It was the closest feeling to believing in a God, but even now with minutes before my death I can’t seem to feel regret in not believing in a God. My Jewish ancestry means nothing to me. I envy my parents. I envy believing such things; now I know there isn’t a second chance, I know there is only a void and my mind is going to leave me. Isn’t it suppose to be a light, all I see is bright fluorescent lights on the ceiling, lights that I’ve seen before, and It feels like one of those nightmares I have when I’m in the darkness, suddenly, I’m not able to see my body–even if I put my hands in front of me I can’t see my hands. This is strange to me, but when I feel the most fearful I consequently feel alive.
Fuck, I should have printed Mrs. Greenberg’s score at home, but the printer didn’t have any ink after printing the damn musical, maybe I should have printed in color and change the print settings into a really dark gray; those damn ink cartridges are expensive. At least that’s what my mom told me, I’ve never bought them myself.
Now that I think about it, there are a ton of things I didn’t do. Fuck school, I only wasted my time at school. I never washed my own clothes, I never had my driver’s license, I only went to one party and it was a disaster. I was practicing piano all day long; piano this piano that. I kind of wish I never played the damn thing. Why am I thinking in all of this meaningless things? I have to keep thinking or the pain reappears. I guess that is my only real regret in life, that and not having sex with a girl. Maybe trying drugs. I’ve never tried drugs; I learned from Pedro marijuana doesn’t really count. I don’t know if that would change my life, but it seems that it would be cool to try Cocaine at least once in a lifetime. All the cool composers and writers seem to have a drug phase. “Ahhhh” Someone touch me and it hurts.Let’s see what stuff I’m going to miss from life, I loved Chuck E. Cheese although I’m too old for that.
What is this….blood? Is this how Blood tastes? The taste is like…. steel, like pennies with salt. Time is going so slow; that’s why you see your entire life, because of the pain. Time changes the way you feel, everything and every single movement changes its dimensions relative to the space in you mind. I wish my mind could be with me for eternity, but I feel like I’m loosing it. Ivan was right all along, I shouldn’t have spend all of my time like I did. I should have tried more stuff. But I guess I enjoy it for what is worth. I guess everybody has something they regret in their last moments of life, no matter how happy they were in their lifetime. The only difference is that I just had a little bit and I didn’t have fun while I was alive. I’m trying to remember all of my precious memories but I keep returning to me staring at the piano for hours. God I wish I could kiss Erica one more time.
Dad, I don’t blame you. You just tried your best that’s all. I blame the world we live in. I blame the God that let this happened. This is sad, I know I’m just lying to myself, there is no God to blame.
The saddest thing is not that you die; the saddest thing is that the world keeps moving on without you in it. And Erica is the only thing I can see. But she can’t be here. Is she? She can’t? But I feel a warm hand feeling in my hand. Is it possible?
I just want to be with you Erica. There is so much beauty in the world you were the small fragment I was able to experience. I wanted to kiss you again so badly. I wanted to read so many books, see so many films, hear so many symphonies, operas. Shit I wanted to do so many things
I see something in the wall. It’s a heart with two people holding hands. Where have I seen that?
I decided to smile. It’s better to smile even if your face is full with tears.
Life is only a joke
I just forgot to laugh.
“I don’t want to die ha ah ahaa it’s…. not…. fair.”